Uncomfortably Numb

Sometimes we do things that maybe not have that much of a thought behind but they end up being so profound and meaningful for someone else. My brother Munawer passed away a few months back and just a few months before that he went for Umrah, he had done Hajj before when he was young and now he wanted to go back again for Umrah. While being there he bought presents for all his siblings. That present was given to me last night by my niece and I was stuck with so much emotion.  That present was a Prayer Matt with my name on it and Ab e Zamzam. In itself that not would not be a big deal but the fact that he remembered me and my siblings there in Makkah and bought us these and since I couldn’t go for his funeral hit me hard. Its like a last goodbye from a dear brother who always taught me  how to live and even in his last actions for me he gave me a lesson to always remember Allah. May Allah grant him this highest place in heaven. Ameen. 

There you go... Don't matter what you think Don't matter what you say Those with dead hearts  Don't ask them to stay They forget we're all clay Tame the beasts inside Before hunter becomes pray Before it all does decay We are the ones astray It is us who must obey That higher purpose The self you must slay For there is life in death of ego, of selfish hunger Empty the tangled heart  for love to make way 

As the night’s shadows appear, The darkness envelops me — Wraps around like a blanket, The ache spreads quietly. Am I allowed to feel? Do I want to heal? You see what you want; Moments does time steal. Drifting mists of echoes, Scattered in my mind. Even you can’t hear — It’s not yours to find. What is supposed to be, I know it. I agree. I stand, stranded — It’s a fault, maybe. Unable to move, Nothing to prove. Anchored thoughts, I must remove.

 اک ایسی دنیا کا تصور کرنا جہاں بھائی جان منور نہیں رہے بہت مشکل ہے، لیکن حقیقت یہی ہے کہ ہم آج اسی دنیا میں ہیں۔ مجھے ایسا لگتا ہے جیسے میں نے اپنے والد کو دوسری بار کھو دیا ہو۔ وہ ہمیشہ میرے ساتھ تھے، ایک ایسا سہارا جس سے میں ہر مشکل فیصلے میں مشورہ کرتا۔ جب بھی میں ڈگمگاتا، وہ مجھے تھام لیتے۔ ہر دو ہفتے بعد وہ فون کرتے اور صرف یہ پوچھتے: “سب ٹھیک ہے؟ تم ٹھیک ہو؟” میں بھی ان کی خیریت دریافت کرنے کی کوشش کرتا، لیکن ہمیشہ وہی بازی لے جاتے۔ میں اب ان کی یادوں کو سمیٹنے کی کوشش کررہا ہوں تاکہ لکھ سکوں، اور احساس ہوتا ہے کہ چند یادوں کے علاوہ میں ان کے بارے میں کتنا کم جانتا ہوں۔ وہ مجھ سے تقریبا 18 سال بڑے تھے، اس لیے میں نے ان کے ساتھ وہ بچپن نہیں گزارا جو میرے بڑے بھائی اور بہن نے گزارا۔ وہ نیک اور اصولوں پر قائم رہنے والے انسان تھے۔ اگر انہیں لگتا کہ آپ غلط ہیں تو سیدھا خلوص کے ساتھ کہہ دیتے۔ میرے لیے وہ ہمیشہ ایک بڑے کی طرح رہنمائی کرنے والے اور سمجھانے والے تھے۔ مجھے یاد ہے جب میں تیسری جماعت میں تھا، ان کے کوٹ ہمیشہ ٹنگے رہتے تھے اور ان کی جیب میں چاکلیٹ بار ہوا کرتا تھا۔ میں ر...

It’s so hard to imagine a world without Bhai Jaan, and yet here we are. I feel like I’ve lost my father twice. He was always there, someone I could consult when facing tough decisions. He always stopped me from wavering. Every two weeks or so, he would call just to check on me… “Sab theek hai? Tum theek ho?” I would try to do the same, but he always had the upper hand. I’m trying to remember things about him that I can write down, and I realise that apart from some memories I know very little about him. He was eighteen years my senior, so I didn’t share a childhood with him the way my elder brother and sister did. He was righteous and firm on moral principles. If he thought you were wrong, he would tell you directly, but with sincerity. As for me, he guided me and often pointed out things to me like an elder should. I remember when I was in 3rd grade, Bhai Jaan used to have his coats hanging, and there was always a chocolate bar in one of the pockets. Every day I would eat it, but the ...

There goes the sun Days go by life goes on I stare at the mirror What face should I put on Twists and turns abound Life keeps you guessing Gives wound after wound Shadows run you aground  Wonder why this has to be The fiends still roam free While you suffer silently They dance with cruel glee Cant write happy words the heart cannot feel Cant ignore the absurd Its etched once heard I move on severing those  Tarnished hearts Empty souls From ashes I did arose Once again I suppose 

Blink blink blink The curser stares words to describe The emptiness That song in my ear Something familiar Does nothing for me The music stops Nothing there to numb Nothing there to hide Their lies bare No remorse in stares They still roam free Black hearts, lustful eyes Pay they must turn to dust What else is there No faith and despair Rotten to the core That face I abhor Rage is all I feel crave that final squeal Crushed to paste Dogs have a meal