Fade out

I have a love/hate relationship with all things old, specially Indian songs, at one hand I love even the things I used to hate and succumb to nostalgia and turn that shit on and as soon as I turn it on I remember why I used to hate that shit at the first place...

I guess it boils down to longing for carefree days and those old songs/movies bring back a faded memory something you could just grasp but it vanishes just before you can touch..  like the memory of the taste of your mother's Alo Ghosht and roti.. its there but just out of reach

I hate going through this chain of thought cause ultimately me it makes me think of all the loved ones Ive lost along the way and also those relationships which went sour due to distance or time... being discarded by the ones that one cared for with ones life due to reasons...

we all have our reasons. but it pains me to think about those who I loved dearly in my life and know in hindsight that I didn't have the same place in their lives as they did in mine... I was just someone they could dump all their emotional baggage on, and once that need was meet they simply moved on. But I didn't ... Sometimes I marvel at my own naivety. Do I want that time all over again... no... not after I know what I know ... not after what I have learned... and that is people are selfish that includes myself. It pains me to realize that Ive become so pessimistic, I wasn't like this. 

I was this naive little kid who believed everything that anyone said, who believed in absolutes like loyalty, friendship or kinship who thought that surely those very close to you would never change. It pains me to think about how many times this trust was broken. I guess we all go through this sometime or the other and the really messed up part is that there are always ones that try to warn us get us on level ground from the clouds and see reality but who listens when you're young.

And this is why I bury my self in stuff that may seem childish and trivial to most... but all things childish are at least pure and at least the clouds have no silver lining ... but then again even in fantasies the world creeps in and they are ruined by others... 

we say we don't care about validation from others... but if there is no validation, or acknowledgment or at least knowing that we are not alone in this and there are others who have gone through something similar and still carry on... and my reason for coming to twitter years ago

was this and people were genuine then but like everything else was just a moment of solace... I just keep wondering about the futility of everything ... noting really matters and nothing really changes... and this is how it will go on ... I am tired.

Wrote this as a thread on twitter. People read this or not ... mainoo ki ... kia faraq parta hay anyway ... I guess only one who can really understand yourself is yourself... no one has the time or inclination to invest in others... well I don't either... so yeah we are even... there.


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