Uncomfortably Numb

When you dream about migrating yo never realize how much toll it will take on you emotionally, at that time you are just worried about the logistics and once that’s done you are then ferociously hit with the enormity of your decision. I was definitely not prepared for it. My life, my work, my position, all the things I thought defined me are gone. The things that anchored me like my house, my neighboured, my city, all that is gone as well. I feel like a discarded thing, of no value. The worst thing about it is that it’s of my own volition. I am not here to complain cause I knew it would be staring from scratch, but knowing something and experiencing something are completely different things, Ive come to understand.  It’s like becoming a part of a well oiled machine, where you are seen as redundant maybe useless as well. I am writing this to document not spread blame or shade on anyone, just trying to understand or just withstand the shear ache of it. I know, I hope, that there will...

Stop now. don't go any further. you know what's behind the closed door. don't open it. the door you shut your self. aching and longing on this side. what's lost, what you never had on the other. I cant drown the voices in my head while drowning in the memories. Memories of a face never seen for real, memories of laughter, memories of embraces never actually had. Memories of crying on a shoulder that was there but not. years have gone but ache remains. longing remains...  here I stand cut off. Even if it was an invisible thread it was a life line... a semblance of some unknown connection..  I descend into despair all too familiar, its the darkness I hold at bay within and every so often it comes to the surface and I cant breath. I cant call out... I cant see... I cant say...  Oh Lord hear me... ease this suffering... 

Well we've arrived. The place some dreaded for years, all those ignored warning signs and wake up calls later. We have become so numb that this hasn't even registered upon our brain dead comprehension. All that's left is to enjoy the perverse decay that now enriches our lives. You see there comes a times when you just can't help but laugh at the helplessness.  We relish the trivial like jelly biscuits and enjoy destroying each other's lives, washing each other's dirty linen for fun. We like to take selfies with dead corpses. We glorify murderers and agents of chaos & destruction.  I could go on and on listing everything that we have destroyed but whats the use now, there is no way out of this but a great reset, and nature takes care of that by itself. Hatred unleashed eventually consumes everything and the great circle starts again with nothing left of the previous. I mean we all see the relics of the past the Pyramids, the ruins of South America or else whe...

This is my canvas where I paint with words, it was never intended to be a "text book". These are my thoughts and feelings, a way for me to process things, I have written countless words since forever, on excess, on superficiality on apparent contradictions in what we practice and what we preach. I genuinely believe that in this age our younger generation has lost the ability to do critical thinking. We revel on whats on the surface, our lives a mere projection for others to consume, nothing deep or meaningful, reduced to empty instagram posts in essence, mimicking the same done by others countless times before, we have lost the ability to recognize whats really important, our projection is more important to us than the inner peace that simplicity brings.  I know these conclusions come with time. Not my business to judge or impose my world view on anyone, thats not the reason of writing these words. I write because there is no other way for me to fathom the decay I see in mora...

The thing is that I see a lot of really cool food joints starting up in our city  but... Since I know that it costs at least half or even less to make at home... So that's what I do. Let me break down some estimated prices for you... Beef cheese burger 10 Bun 150 Rs Minced beef 1 kg 500 Rs for 10 patties 10 Cheese slices 300 Rs 1/2 kg kheera 30 Rs Vinegar for making pickled kheera & piyaz you already have at home 2 piyaz 10 Rs 3-4 Tomatoes you already have at home. Mayo & mustard you already have at home. Salad leaves which grow in my home garden. 1000Rs for 10 🍔 So why on earth would you pay 500 Rs per burger... I can see the appeal of why everyone is suddenly a gourmet burger chef and setting up small businesses which I have nothing against but this overpricing is dishonesty and I cant stand it.  Yes I know good Beef burgers can cost up to 1000 Rs in Lahore like at "Ministry of Burgers" and others but you have to consider the presentation, the buns, which are s...

ہمارے سجن ہمارے اپنے! ہم لوگ ایک دوسرے کے دوست ،رشتہ دار، خیر خواہ ۔شاید یہ سب خام خیالی ہی ہے۔ کیونکہ جب بھی انسان کو قریب سے دیکھنے کا موقع ملا کہیں نہ کہیں خود غرضی ہی نظر آئی۔  مقابلہ تو ہم کرتے ہی ہیں ۔ اسکے پاس یہ ہےتو میرے پاس یہ ذیادہ بہتر ہے۔ لیکن مجھے جو بات سب سے ذیادہ تکلیف دیتی ہے وہ یہ کہ جب لوگ (شایداپنے) جھوٹ بولتے ہیں اور ہم سب کچھ جانتے ہوئے بھی ان کو وہ کرنے دیتے ہیں جو وہ چاہتے ہیں۔ مجھے تکلیف ہوتی ہے جب لوگوں کے ”معصوم“ سوال بظاہر اتفاقی ہوتے ہیں لیکن جب یہ اتفاق ایک ہی طرح کے حالات میں بار بار ہوں تو وہ اتفاق نہیں بلکہ منصوبہ بند ی کی نشاندہی کرتے ہیں۔ انسان سوچنے لگتا ہے آخر کیوں ۔۔۔ اسنے ان کا کیا بگاڑا ہے جو ان کو جھوٹ اور فریب کا سہارا لینا  پڑا ۔ دل تو یہی کہتا ہے کہ تم جن لوگوں کو اپنا سجن سمجھ بیٹھے تھے وہ کبھی تھے ہی نہیں۔ اور اب جب انسان اپنے ماضی کی طرف دیکھتاہے تو اسے  یقین ہوتا جاتاہے کہ ان لوگوں نے کبھی بھی اسکا ساتھ نہیں دیا۔ تب بھی جب اس نے ان سے مدد مانگی اور تب بھی جب وہ دکھ کی انتہائی گہرائیوں میں تھا۔ تو اب کیسے دینگے۔ج...

There is a pulsar shining next door emptiness to the core you adore Sit close to me on the roof take a selfie projected life what someone else sees Hallow words, hearts, hollow dreams do what it takes to drown the screams Hear my self breathing high on toxic letting empty thoughts corrode logic See them choose the highest pedestal for their ego self praise is so essential Why does one forget the dust in the end seems distant but is just a split second Why does the heart grow cold like ice lost virtues with the roll of times dice Echoes of words that vanish in the air trying to find a way out of despair Not easy going back to the very start takes longer mending a shattered heart

Trying to understand the world around us, what makes people do the things they do, their motivations, their beliefs, is it simply that black and white, what about the greys? 
 Why do we find that most of the times those supposed bastions of faith are the ones the most corrupt. Dont these people understand the precept of their own belief system. What makes them not practice what they preach? The answer to this question unlocks the deepest mysteries of belief and sin. 
 Unfortunately the dogma that one adheres to does not supersede the universal vice of greed & ego, until there is equality, all the promise of salvation is deluded, a smokescreen to enslave and exploit, regardless of what dogma you adhere to, if in practice there is injustice and there is a clear divide, it is a failure. 
 Here is the stumbling block, when one tries to make sense of what one observes, with logic alone and can be forgiven for thinking that perhaps the purpose of every theological dogma...

The reality of living in this world, a conflict between the needs and wishes deeply anchored in the class divide. I see mediocrity so permanently imbued in the collective psyche.  Sometimes all one can do is to give in to the mundane, stop living & just exist. Finding someone to have an offbeat, real meaningful conversation, an impossibility. I sought refuge in the social media for some time, but that too has become stale, tedious. A habit without any emotional reward. The interaction, all but reduced to regurgitation of bent opinions and trumpeting of political agenda or some religious doctrine, manipulation. No one questions anymore, no one has time to think for himself and arrive on conclusions, perhaps wrong but his own. This place has no respite, no open space to just sit and ponder. One wonders is it by design? The whole system built on repression, on exploitation, the divide, easily seen. Yet the rituals of allegiance continue, conditioning the masses not to qu...

How materialistic ambition dictates the human condition is mind boggling. How everyday we are presented sugar coated lies and we relish the ignorance and forbid knowledge & understanding surrendering the will to question. How they cheer... A fabric of pretty lies to blind them and their masters drip their very souls till the very last of humanity bleeds. How they suffer and no one sees cause all they want to see is the facade of blissful ignorance which they love cause there is safety in burying their heads in the sand. How I mourn the plight of my brothers who have no voice and are condemned to a destiny of oblivious slavery to the worship of new idols. They cannot comprehend the trap which invites them with glitter. All they see is their idols... Whom they worship without question. Wish they could see beyond the lies... Beyond the facade what hideous faces await to devour their very existence into oblivion... Still they March on.... Consumed by their mindless idol wors...

As he moved on, the distinction between right and wrong became increasingly blurry and he got lost in his emotions, those feelings suppressed for so long began to surface. While the thrill exhilarated him he was also afraid but not for long. As he fell further and further into the abyss of his emotional vacuum he lost the sensation of fear to a new sensation of being wanted. This sensation became stronger by the minute overwhelming his persona, hit him with fill force of a tsunami. He hoped this would wash away and hide his tears but he couldn't trust anyone anymore... even himself. Was he foolish perhaps yes... but what could he do when faced with a choice between relentless rejection or soothing promise of love. He tries to walk the tightrope ... which he knows leads to chaos ...

useless empty life worthless words echo in my mind over and over again we run this circle over and over we fall could it be that this time you'll pick me up could it be that this time you'll take my hand as I see you pass me by heart aches with the distance you never look back not even once heart aches with every footstep taking us further apart memories left behind of a beautiful start

Well I see your sad my son... come over here tell daddy all about it ... ..... u see kid your doin it wrong... there are a few things that you need to know before you jump into the hell hole... (opssss marriage) 1. Its all about the money. Plain and simple ... you got the doe will have the flow if you know what I mean. 2. There is no such thing as love ... its all bullshit... 3. If you ever think that you can understand a woman ... your a moron .... 4. If you ever think a your woman can understand you... your even a bigger moron than I thought 5. The easiest way to win an argument is to admit your wrong... cause thats whats your gonna do in the end anyway... 6. Have 2 tv sets in the house... cause if its 1, its hers 7. All the crapiest movies and soaps on tv are "Good" 8. Accept it ... whatever you do ... your still a moron to her 9. Whatever she does is "hard work" and whatever you do is "resting" 10. If you want companionship and...

As the new year's sun will rise most of us would have made some sort of promise to our selves. A new year's resolution, almost all are about something we want or desire. As I sit here and write these words and look at the year I have left behind I only have one new year's resolution and its not about wanting ... its about giving... I wish to give as much love as possible ... thats all the world needs ... thats all what I need.

We revolve around this world .. the tangible world … the one we can see and hear the one we can touch and yet we are supposed to believe in a world beyond and given all kinds of assurances that it exists. Some will kill for that world some will stop at nothing … we forget the purpose, we forget who we are… we fail to question and we fail to answer. we don't see the journey and don't realize that the journey is the goal. I said I was done with analyzing but can't help it… I just can't understand the cold heartedness of the human soul. I feel despair creeping up my soul, its like Ive become numb again.  I feel lifeless…  even words illude me to explain how I feel...

So you know that I like science now... but that not all that I love, the other most cherished experience of my life is music. I loved music ... since from the earliest memories I have. Its mostly due to the Radio Behrain tapes that my sister made and what my brothers listened to. My Dad had a very good record collection and he was more into listening to classical stuff K.L Sehgal, Habib Wali Mohd. so the music I heard all the time ranged from The Beetles to the raag rang program that came on ptv late at night and in between Abba, BoneyM, Micheal Jackson, Dire Strights, Madonna but then came MTV and Channel V and MCM and all kinds of Music channels on Satellite I admit I dont really know that much about music genres as such ... but I know a good tune when I hear one... most of my friends say that I listen to a particular tune or album long before it becomes popular ... here is a little screenshot of my music (just the albums section) at my hdd at the moment ... Click to see a ...

So here I am with the account of the wedding... well this weddings been all about one person really whenever we sat to talk the conversation boiled down to this one person ... What this person did or would do or didn't do... hehehe... I know that this person is real pain in the ....  but I don't understand the constant need to discuss it with others ... and since I've known from experience that people only discuss something about others with you to gather your reaction and then they use what you said to incite the other and then take enjoyment in seeing you two fight... Thats why I mostly stay away from these kinds of discussions cause I know that nobody is really sincere with you, everyone is in it for some kind of need and once that need is satisfied your ancient history buddy... well about the wedding ... it was the usual as wedding go in Pakistan although it was more taxing for me cause my participation was from both sides...

So I was thinking why not write about the things I love instead of what I hate, so heres my 1st try. Remember its something new to me :D so It may end up like all of the other posts, so be warned! Well the thing I love the most is science ... why? because it tells you the true nature of things it doesn't lie or has other intentions, its plain and simple facts, sometimes brutal and rough I know but still there is no silver lining or an agenda. So most of the other things that I love or like stem from science, like science fiction. I believe that by imagining the future we make it happen, for example when Gene Roddenberry first made start trek most of the technology shown in the program was there just as gimmick and no thought was put into it that it had roots in actual science but here we are almost 40 years later and most of the things imagined in the program are in our daily use now. The talking computer, mobile fones, hand held computers, tablets, needle less syringes, all so...

I know it writing time with me when I am utter obber bored. Tried chatroulete for a while didn't like it. Frankly too many guyz... bored like me. So whats up with me. Been following some people on the web and its unfulfilling as any other thing on the net

People blog for many reasons, some just for fun, some make money from it and some like me need a place to flush it out... these blogs are meant more for one's self than others cause most of time it doesn't contain any useful thing for others... A lot has happened to me in the last few months... not that Im gonna write about it here anyway but what I can write is that Im constantly walking a tight rope... and I fear that this time Im going to fall... Im having a kind of writers block ... nothing comes to my mind.. well nothing worth writing here anyway... see even here Im concerned about protecting others and what they might think if they find out what I think of them ... I leave a few clues here and there for the one who really would care enough to read between the lines... but I know ... no one cares... we all are in it for the "fun" ... as I said on twitter the other day Social networking on the internet should not be called social at all cause its selfish an...