Uncomfortably Numb

So you know that I like science now... but that not all that I love, the other most cherished experience of my life is music. I loved music ... since from the earliest memories I have. Its mostly due to the Radio Behrain tapes that my sister made and what my brothers listened to. My Dad had a very good record collection and he was more into listening to classical stuff K.L Sehgal, Habib Wali Mohd. so the music I heard all the time ranged from The Beetles to the raag rang program that came on ptv late at night and in between Abba, BoneyM, Micheal Jackson, Dire Strights, Madonna but then came MTV and Channel V and MCM and all kinds of Music channels on Satellite I admit I dont really know that much about music genres as such ... but I know a good tune when I hear one... most of my friends say that I listen to a particular tune or album long before it becomes popular ... here is a little screenshot of my music (just the albums section) at my hdd at the moment ... Click to see a

So here I am with the account of the wedding... well this weddings been all about one person really whenever we sat to talk the conversation boiled down to this one person ... What this person did or would do or didn't do... hehehe... I know that this person is real pain in the ....  but I don't understand the constant need to discuss it with others ... and since I've known from experience that people only discuss something about others with you to gather your reaction and then they use what you said to incite the other and then take enjoyment in seeing you two fight... Thats why I mostly stay away from these kinds of discussions cause I know that nobody is really sincere with you, everyone is in it for some kind of need and once that need is satisfied your ancient history buddy... well about the wedding ... it was the usual as wedding go in Pakistan although it was more taxing for me cause my participation was from both sides...

One day in the sixth or seventh grade I came back from school and got straight to bed. The fun began when I woke up. I totally forgot about my day and thought it was morning again and My dad had real fun with that he started saying you better get ready for school and have breakfast and I was like hey I went to bed in my uniform and I wont have to put it on again... ;) so about 1/2 an hour later I realized that I had been had... when Dad turned on the television. My dad was a fun loving man and most of the events I remember of my childhood when I went somewhere for a picnic or something were all arranged by him and mostly paid for by him as well. He loved to see his family having fun. One time we went to the river side. We had all kinds of Bar BQ stuff with us and we were 16-18 people all stuck in our volvo station wagon, we would just turn the seats down and all of us would go in... anyway when we started up our BarBQ there the aroma started to spread. There were a bunch of guyz pl

So I was thinking why not write about the things I love instead of what I hate, so heres my 1st try. Remember its something new to me :D so It may end up like all of the other posts, so be warned! Well the thing I love the most is science ... why? because it tells you the true nature of things it doesn't lie or has other intentions, its plain and simple facts, sometimes brutal and rough I know but still there is no silver lining or an agenda. So most of the other things that I love or like stem from science, like science fiction. I believe that by imagining the future we make it happen, for example when Gene Roddenberry first made start trek most of the technology shown in the program was there just as gimmick and no thought was put into it that it had roots in actual science but here we are almost 40 years later and most of the things imagined in the program are in our daily use now. The talking computer, mobile fones, hand held computers, tablets, needle less syringes, all so

I know it writing time with me when I am utter obber bored. Tried chatroulete for a while didn't like it. Frankly too many guyz... bored like me. So whats up with me. Been following some people on the web and its unfulfilling as any other thing on the net

For as long as I can remember I loved stories... the school library, the stories Daddy used to bring from Lahore or Karachi, Tarzan, Imran Rehan Series, Nonehal, Sherlock Holmes etc. etc. I even wrote one sci-fi story when I was in 4th or 5th class then there were the aural story sessions in the recess time in school, a bunch of my friends would gather around and listen to my stories... and these were spontaneous on the spot creations I would just ask them where did the story end and then start from there... In high school I was more into poetry than writing stories and stuff. I would never claim my self to be a poet or a writer though... its just release...  I really wish to write something profound but I dunno ... I started writing blog like notes in a Star Trek LCARS inspired program called Holonote in 2000 most of that stuff I used here and there in my blog when I started blogging... but much of it remains hidden cause well ... I just cant put that here... its too personal a

People blog for many reasons, some just for fun, some make money from it and some like me need a place to flush it out... these blogs are meant more for one's self than others cause most of time it doesn't contain any useful thing for others... A lot has happened to me in the last few months... not that Im gonna write about it here anyway but what I can write is that Im constantly walking a tight rope... and I fear that this time Im going to fall... Im having a kind of writers block ... nothing comes to my mind.. well nothing worth writing here anyway... see even here Im concerned about protecting others and what they might think if they find out what I think of them ... I leave a few clues here and there for the one who really would care enough to read between the lines... but I know ... no one cares... we all are in it for the "fun" ... as I said on twitter the other day Social networking on the internet should not be called social at all cause its selfish an

Its a natural reaction. It would have happened like this. The inevitability of such things is not rare. Humans break. I give up now I admit it. No use fighting anymore. I become numb and oblivious of the hell your putting me through. Go on do your best, take your best shot, run me down, burn me. That wont hurt me anymore... Its strange to watch yourself burn and not feel it. Surely this could not be real. You said you could feel what I could feel but people lie...

It was a beautiful morning today and the rain made it perfect. But the plight of so many stuck in the floods is nagging at my back. All I want to say about it that if people of Pakistan still don't understand their mistake then it would be too late. The signs are in plain sight for all to see. This is not just random disaster. Just put on the TV and watch the news 10 dead there 20 dead there 4 dead while saving one child. The news comes again and again as a non stop barrage. Wake up Pakistan and see what you have done wrong!

Is it possible for me to stop wining about every little thing that happens... I mean I see people so happy and enjoying their lives... surely there lying right? I so so want to be like those people but I can't ... because I cant shut my reality out just like that ... This is hypocrisy of the soul of which we are guilty of everyone of us for example we shut our eyes and ears of the pain our neighbors are in ... some would increase the volume of their tv not to hear the sound of the domestic violence happening across the walls.... I can never enjoy anything anymore... there is always something nagging at the back of my head. Oh I so miss the old days... Am I cold and insensitive? Is longing for true understanding a sin? Is such a thing even possible? We so want others to like us praise us... but do I like the person I see in the mirror? Sadly the answer is NO. What is, that makes some people standout. The greatest weakness I've ever had is the shyness or the fear I

I have a theory that everything changes in a person's life in every two years at most. Ive seen it in my life many times. What I believed was that circumstances change but I didn't think that people change as well ... well I didn't know better... There is no such thing as a constant in our lives. I've seen people change, the ones I thought never could. Its painful to me to look back and see the ones I loved and shared my life with being so selfish. Whose to blame here? me or them ... have I changed as well? I guess I have... for better or worse I don't know One might say I'm the reason of my problem.

This happened a few days ago but it showed me what people are capable of seemingly intelligent and normal people become assholes… the problem is that people think that no one can catch their lies… which is a lie which their brain tells them… so much happened that I cant put into words and don't want to anyway … _____________________________________________ Image deleted on popular demand!

We made this country along with others who were fighting for freedom. It aches my heart to see what it has become. But I don't blame the country… I blame its people who made a mockery of the sacrifices their elders made. Still there are some who want it restored to its intended glory. Here is manifesto of one such group of people ONE PAKISTAN ONE NATION - http://pakcom.com/ We stand for a peaceful, moderate, and liberal Pakistan, with social justice, and equal opportunities. A country with gender equality are ingrained values;  where class structure does not flourish on the basis of economic imbalance;  where quality education is for all not for few privileged, where health and other civic amenities are delivered at people’s doorsteps, where common person has freedom to information, organization, expression. We want to work for a Pakistan which stands against all forms of violence, abuse, and injustice to everyone; where people are conscientious citizens of a welfare state, v

I've been doing an experiment for last week or so and all I can tell you is that I blew it! muhahahaha!…. to be fair the test subject I choose for this was no average person… All I wanted was a decent fun dialogue… but I guess Im that boring… no wonder! and all this sports stuff drives me mad I mean first it was cricket t20 something and Now football I mean come on yaar I know its the world cup but what are you so fraked up about. Pakistan doesn't even have its own team … sigh! Also I want to point out the sheer hypocrisy… I mean more then 40 people died last night in the attack on datta and all you can think of is the fraking football… shame on you as a nation…  I just turned on Geo and there they were … the thumkas! as nothing happened… and an Indian movie on another channel … and then your naive enough to ask why this Azab on our country. I tell you why cause you don't care and wont care until it will come to your door step! Your a dead Nation… the real exp

Things are not what they seem, I learnt that very young. Some say I'm cold and that I don't have feelings. Well this is my answer to all of you. I'm different, I knew that too from an early age, for most of my life I tried to fight it and tried to be like all of you… but now I realize I cant. I am what I am and I'm happy being me! If you don't like what you see blame your perspective I wont try to change myself anymore. It was not easy always hiding behind a veil of stupidity just to fit in. I don't care anymore if none of you cant understand what I'm saying … its your loss cause there are a lot of people in the world that do understand. (I hope!) I always wanted approval from others until I realized that the only approval that I needed was my own. I don't pretend to be the all knowing brat that you think I am, but I do know a lot of things .. All I ever wanted was to share my experience and knowledge… I finally don't blame anyone for the place

Drifted away like the snow flake I choose to be silent screaming tears of lament Say what you said before the most beautiful lie what a sublime present wistful longing heartsick musing the aching baneful sting perpetual untold torment

I did it all. I've seen it all unfold. I know the questions and even know the answers.I grasp the reality of it. I try to hold  on to it. I try to fail. I know the limits. I close my eyes. I try to dream but the nightmare wont let me sleep. what kind of dream is this. Somebody wake me up…Save me! I know what I've lost and I know what I've gained. I keep hoping that it would end this time. How did I end up here looking at the abyss of sorrows. All I want right now is to slowly drift into non existence.  I've had enough. This has to stop.

In between one and the other there resided an "us" once. It was beautiful as day light and bright as sunshine. It was bliss on earth . The "us" took for granted that word "LOVE" and fell into the trap that love really is… Love what a futile exercise if there ever was one. It consumed them and then the one realized that there was no "us" anymore ... just One and the other. Its like One never knew the other, two strangers confined to a perpetual darkness. Who knows who forgot first the one or the other. The sunshine turned to darkness and the suffering began. The one suffered in silence. Betrayed ,abused and rejected by the other…  Still the one couldn't hate the other… How could one forget. Why do we forget and get tangled in an unending cycle of agony. How can it be. How can the other be so cruel. How can the other destroy the very thing he wanted to build. One blames the other ... the other blames the one... keeps going on and

These days working on a new project. Its a new version of the Yasurnal Quran for MTA. Here is a screen shot of the project in Adobe Premiere CS3. It takes about 3 days to finish one lesson. What makes the Yasurnal Quran unique from others is the font that was developed by Peer Manzoor Mohammad Sahib in 1904. It was converted to digital font by some guyz at the Jamia Ahmadiyya making this video version possible. The whole Project is done using the multi-cam technology in Adobe Premier which means that during recording no switcher is used and all cameras have tapes in them giving more flexibility during editing. There are a lot of separate parts which combine to make the complete picture for instance the 3D portion which is done in a program called Pro Animator. Take a look at the project pic (above)to see how much work is involved. Every letter or words has its own 3D element which has to be made separately. Then there is the background & other element layers. As far a

اب کے گرا تواٹھا نا پائوگے چلا جائوں گا تب بلا نہ پائو گے آنسوہونگے پر کچھ کام نہ دیں گے  آہیں بھر کربھی رات بتا نہ پائو گے آنسوہونگے پر کچھ کام نہ دیں گے  آہیں بھر کربھی رات بتا نہ پائو گے

That's all I'm left with. I feel so old nothing excites me anymore. I might as well be dead. Maybe I am. Maybe all of this is a dream and one day we’ll all wake up. I don't want anybody’s pity I don't want sweet or kind words… I just want a release… there is so much anger inside that I fear that one day I’ll just collapse but … Ah! I never do just for once it would be fun if I did…. I know now that the world is cruel and nobody really cares for you. I know it and have accepted it no more fighting the odds… its no use…. better to just go with the flow and wait for the day I’ll be free…… Free from this existence! what comes next no one knows…

سپنے ٹوٹیں تو کیسا لگتا ہے؟ ادھورے خواب راہ میں رہ جاتے ہیں زندگی آگے بڑھ جاتی ہے  سپنا شیشہ ہی تو ہے   کاٹتا ہے  میں چیختا ہوں  کوئی نہ سن سکے گا سب مگن ہیں  سپنے دیکھنے سے کسے فرصت سپنا پگھلتا ہے  میں جلتا ہوں  اپنی ہی راکھ کی مرہم رکھتا ہوں  چلتا رہتاہوں   اب سپنے نہیں دیکھتا اعتبارنہیں رہا کٹ کٹ کر جل جل کر  تھک سا گیا ہوں ۔

Sometimes we want to be happy don't we. I heard somewhere if you do things that are happy you will start to feel happy so here is my happy post … ….. nope doesn't work. its all bullshit no one is really happy in this world and never can be. Sometimes due to our own doings and sometimes due to the pathetic things people do to you. No matter what you do you cant be happy ever. Were all screwed from the moment were born … and come to think of it we enter this world not happy but crying … a preview of things to come!  You see I'm sick of this world. I really am I really don't like it. What's the point really. I really don't want to go into the religious part of it cause well I have no answer I'm still searching and I don't want to offend the Big boss if you know what I mean. They say man couldn't survive in a perfect world we need our miseries and the things we do to other people to hurt them and the words we say. Can the words I'm sorry can ta

As I sit here alone in the dark. My thoughts scattered over the years gone by and I start to remember the faces I will never see again in this life. So many people so many memories. My dad who I never remember hurting anyone always doing good for others. My most cherished memory of him is when he used to take me to the small mountain or hilltop near our house I used to piggy back and he would climb and there on the top we would listen to the radio. My mother who used to help so many and never would mention it. I used to talk for hour with her about things that made no sense to her(technology). She would always listen and even participate with a question or two. I miss her warmth and the arm which was my pillow for so many years. There are other faces as well like nani aman mamoo younas mamoo yaqoob mamoo rashid mamoo ramzan uncle mazhar anti bedi even chacha masood chacha nasir and dadi aman. Badar choochoo and baji moona with whom I never meet.

I sit there letting the distance grow Thinking what the frak do you know You believe in their stupid lies You judge me on the scale u know You see what's only in front of you Girl you shall reap what you sow No point in talking or letting go Nothing to hold nothing to show Love is just another four letter word Losing its meaning in the times flow This is another of those I told you so but I don't give a frak u should know

Most of my childhood memories come down to television. I guess growing up in the 80s, we were the first tv generation of Pakistan. My earliest recollections are of Man From Atlantis, then there is Powers of Matthew Star and Voyagers. Then there are a few shows that I just barely remember like Trapper John, M.D. or there was a show with some aliens and they had strange things that the put to a person's neck to subdue him. We had only one tv channel at that time and that was PTV and it was awesome. We watched all the great tv shows of that time Murder she wrote,    Airwolf,  Knight Rider,  The fall guy,  Macgyver,  Law and order,    Star Trek,    War of the worlds,  Chocky, The Tripods,    Sapphire and steel,  Mind your language,  Yes minister,    Chips  then there were loads of children's programs Sesame street,  Thundersub,  Voltran,  Danger mouse. The Twilight Zone used to give me nightmares. Great Family Comedy shows like  Perfect Strangers