Uncomfortably Numb

Feelin the cold can't decide which is worse this or the one inside At least this has a limit something u can decide For I am the one living a life meaningless joyless subside Do I regret falling having No one to confide Maybe it's my destiny to have bitter grief reside As darkness slowly creeps in silent cries echo inside Looking for a crowd for I have a tear to hide

To love you is wrong I know feelings as cold as snow can still feel the warmth beside me nothing left to glow I feel the numbness seeping in empty aching heart grows cold you dont even see me now might as well be buried deep within I wish I could stop being sober cant bare to know that its over memories riddle the mind asking why with no answer you will know what emptiness is you will feel what loneliness gives you will look for comforting warmth you will long for lingering embrace wishing ashes could give I will burn until nothing's left you will notice the warmth then never knowing that it is the last gift

Pakistan. I loved the name and when I grew up I loved the idea. Since then Ive accepted the bitter reality that the idea though how beautiful at its inception, remains as fragile. Ive seen many years and have witnessed the decay of morality and humanity seeping away. Things that once were rare and were enough to jog the conscious of a nation, now dont even register. Pakistanis seem to have and endless ability to devise ways to plunder, murder & inflict endless pain thus becoming less then human blood thirsty sadists. A population with no moral values, no human decency invites a destiny of annihilation. No amount of human endeavour can alleviate the collective sickness that runs in the blood. There is no cure for this plague except extinction. An extinction well deserved. When you remain quiet when they murder brothers, mothers and children. When they burn houses and you look the other way. When they spew hatred and you accept. When you dont think and just obey. You don

Feeling the numbness seeping in right to the pores nothing left within lifeless eyes stare at me, faces grinning as the soul evaporates and they win you dont know the depth of my grief was said to me aching and crying what to offer there is nothing left some comfort words and praying strange bonds of shared sadness carried through wires paper thin

How do we believe something? How do we go beyond a shadow of a doubt about something? What are our convictions & beliefs and are they really forever and do we cloud our judgement with our aspirations and distorted view of the world through our limited knowledge and by simply believing what we are told? As terms like Islam Ahmadiyya or #JalsaUK trend at the top positions on Pakistan's twitter page, previously terms like Promised Messiah or Mirza Masroor Ahmad and others also trended. Now assuming that most of the pakistani twitter users check to see what the current trends are, why did they choose to ignore it, or why does it stir so much hatred thats what I am trying to figure out. "Mostly" the literate intellectuals choose twitter as their social network, ones that can see through the uselessness of Facebook and are interested in serious dialog and discussion. It seems logical when a term like The Promised Messiah pops up it should warrant some investigation...

It was 1984 and I was 7 years old. That day was strange my dad brought a box home and it was filled with kalima badges I had never seen so many badges before. As I vaguely recall I asked my father what were they for and he said they are for proudly showing that we are Muslim. Why do we have to show anyone that were Muslims? was my question and his reply was cause some bad guys think they can read what's in your heart. Darker days were ahead Zia's ordinance had been enforced I remember that day when they said you cannot do Adhan in your mosques and you cannot call your mosque what it was. I remember the prayers where my father and brothers and sister and others would cry and one could hear the cries of lament that emanated from their souls. Soon news started to arrive of arrests being made, their crime? "posing as a Muslim" and I would wonder how can I be any other way, I am a Muslim thats all I know how to behave like... Will they come for me too? Then one

forewarned not to be ridden unwise to taste the forbidden for there is always a catch sweet poison vile and hidden while the infection quickly spread ensuing blindness to the looming dread woven was a deception so complete pretty beads of lies on every thread ambition kindling the fire within virtue withered naked souls therein when the blistering truth conceded nothing was left but a prying grin left untold and forgotten will be that love once blossomed for me that I bore such tormentful cruelty hiding wounds where none can see

I wrote some of this a month after the attacks in Lahore,  in which more then 86 Ahmadi worshipers were brutally murdered. It was the largest attack of this kind on Pakistani soil and modern Religious history, even after so many years the memories remain vivid in my mind and every new atrocity brings back the pain to the surface again. A lot has been said for how it happened and why it happened and who is responsible. For that I only say that we have rested our case to Allah Almighty and He will do us justice Inshallah. Although this event had a profound impact on all of the Jamaat what I want to share here are my personal observations as a person who was involved in reporting the incident via MTA International. I got the news while I was at home cause friday is the day off. I was called to the office immediately as our teams were getting ready to go to Lahore. At that time I was sent to the Aam Qaberstan (the graveyard next Bahisthi Maqbra) to get the shots of the graves being

Mooda says I am leaving. He is determined to leave Pakistan at whatever cost. I asked him what will you do and he says ... bathroom saf ker laan ga but will not live in this country any more. What provoked this sudden change of heart I asked and he said in his typical style ... Yaar Naeem Bhai eithay kuj nahin rakhya hun ... sab tabah ho gya aey ... Kam koyee hay nahin .. machinan band piyan nain loki dokana khol ke behtay nay per kam nahin kuinke bijli nahin.... The same Mooda only a few months ago said he would never leave Pakistan ever... then asked he said there are plenty of opportunities here and if one worked hard he could make a life for him self. Once I asked him Mooday tuun baher kuin nahin challa janada he said Pakistan mera mulk aey asi bari qurbaniyan dityan ne ainoo banan astay agar sab parhay likhay log chad kle challay gaye te fer aida ki banay gaa. Mooda was doing his PhD in physics at that time. I wonder how many Moodas are left in this country now ...

I have learned from experience over and over again that people cannot be trusted. When I first heard trust no one on x-files I didn't know that eventually it would become my motto too. What amazes me is how easily everyone else around me seem to trust total strangers. Maybe I was destined to be a loner. I definitely didn't plan on it. And then come those people who want something from you always, the moment their need is satisfied your history bro. And there are those who always manage to find fault in every thing someone does I imagine thats partially because of their inability to achieve what u have. And then there are those who just do anything for glory wah wah and balay balay. In my life I've rarely seen people who were genuine and wanted to do something just because it was needed. People assume everyone to be like themselves and read motives and aspirations which may not exist. I'm sick of people. People despise, say hateful words, deceive and manipulate, lie, ch

useless empty life worthless words echo in my mind over and over again we run this circle over and over we fall could it be that this time you'll pick me up could it be that this time you'll take my hand as I see you pass me by heart aches with the distance you never look back not even once heart aches with every footstep taking us further apart memories left behind of a beautiful start

today was the last time that I tried but you are heartless you are a lie you cannot see and now I will not show you you dont deserve my love and you will never have it again so keep on doing what you do for the one who gave a damn is not yours anymore

For what its worth all a persecuted man can do is try to reason, try to explain that what you're doing in the name of God has nothing to do with the teachings of Islam, try to appeal to the one thing that binds us all, humanity, to stop the barbarity, stop the hatred before it consumes everything... that the path Pakistan is being forced to take will lead to its destruction. No matter how many times I try, they still murder my brothers. I force my self to be calm cause I don't believe that my resorting to violence is the solution but that does not mean that I don't feel anger ... I do... I feel rage and that rage turns to tears when I pray... I pray that may Allah crush to a paste those who murder in the name of God and those who help them. I have a firm belief that Allah listens to the prayers of those who are in pain and who are the persecuted. One might think that this prayer is just a cry of someone who is weak and worthless but beware if you close your eyes

So I was surfing the net & this link pops up on twitter. As a rule I have decided not to watch Pakistani television for mental health hazard reasons but heck this was from the net and must be something funny but it turned out to be shocking. A mob of Vigil-Aunties lead by Maya Khan attacking kids allegedly on dates in the parks... well to tell the truth it was kinda funny for about 3 seconds and then it turned to horror and outrage. Who is she to be the moral police was my first reaction. Its sad really to see the lows people can go to just for cheap fame. The reaction from the internet was overwhelmingly negative as well. I think all the rage and the disgust stems from the fact that this one incident illustrates how close to the brink we really are. The fact that Pakistani society has extremism now embedded in its very core. You dont need to be mullah or bearded religious fanatic to be an extremist, years of programming of the pro-radical islamic doctrine to the

When I was in the 8th grade there was an essay in our english book about  Valentina Tereshkova the first woman in space and it detailed all of her hard and rigorous training which ranged from extreme pressure, noise to severe vibrations. Zero gravity training and also extreme heat and cold conditions. Thats when it hit me while I was crammed in a rickshaw with 15 other kids on my way back from school that all Pakistanis can be Astronauts. Yes we fit the criteria of training perfectly. Crammed in that rickshaw I was subjected to all kinds of extreme pressures, thats was one condition meet and then there were extreme vibrations due to the broken road mimicking the NASA training to the letter and since it was in July so serve hot conditions was also valid and when the Rickshaw would suddenly encounter an unexpected speed breaker we would all receive Zero Gravity simulation, take that Vomit Comet.   For selecting astronauts NASA prefers Air force pilots but if Pakistan had

Well I see your sad my son... come over here tell daddy all about it ... ..... u see kid your doin it wrong... there are a few things that you need to know before you jump into the hell hole... (opssss marriage) 1. Its all about the money. Plain and simple ... you got the doe will have the flow if you know what I mean. 2. There is no such thing as love ... its all bullshit... 3. If you ever think that you can understand a woman ... your a moron .... 4. If you ever think a your woman can understand you... your even a bigger moron than I thought 5. The easiest way to win an argument is to admit your wrong... cause thats whats your gonna do in the end anyway... 6. Have 2 tv sets in the house... cause if its 1, its hers 7. All the crapiest movies and soaps on tv are "Good" 8. Accept it ... whatever you do ... your still a moron to her 9. Whatever she does is "hard work" and whatever you do is "resting" 10. If you want companionship and

It seems that everyone I know watches  Big Boss  another import from India, proving that our Pakistani media simply is not capable of producing quality programming and have no problem putting something on Pakistani screens which is at odds with our so called religious boundaries, hence the double standards of the media and the people of Pakistan, who are ok with scantily clad women dancing on the screen but will  rise in fury to kill anyone who wants to believe in whatever  he sees as the truth, its seems that you can do whatever you want as long as its hidden & you take the oath that declares your elegance to the state approved  Ummah  Coming back to  Big Boss,  after watching it for a while for a day I started wondering why would a person watch something like this? whats the appeal? and I have come to a conclusion, that people have lost all confidence in mankind's inner goodness. For me whats disturbing & disgusting really, is that people enjoy all the scheming

Worthless words. Words have no meaning. My question as always, why? Even tired of asking, maybe I should just give up. My lament is my own To find a way home The journey I take alone Battered betrayed all hope gone This empty life worthless Even death alludes merciless Yearning to be held Longing tenderness you close you eyes as I burn might as well stake the heart Ashes of whats left drift away Taking us even further apart I can see it when you deceive The more I see the more I believe in a dark world and its cruelty with lies deceit and no loyalty letting you have your way to wound me over and over again though you dont love me anymore at least a reason for you to stay