Empire State of Mind

Don't read this, it maybe gibberish to you but its the state Im in. I feel like all that's bottled up in me needs an outlet. I write poems without context but I don't want to give context either. Its like part of me wants to tell the world my story and a part of me just wants to forget. 

I look around and the superficiality is painful. I see mockups of what real people used to be. I see relics of what once was exciting.

Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs and name names of those who wronged me, who stood there and did nothing when they could have stopped what was right in front of them. 

But they took sides, I don't want to see their faces anymore but I can't escape, stuck here in this prison, this black hole. This  city just sucks the life out of you. 

But thats just one stream of thought that haunts my mind, there are others, a blend of disgust and indignant resignation. 

People running ... just running towards what they can get, possessions... or status... you mean nothing to me. 

I stay awake, searching for something that can numb my senses, I need this to stop. I need to hear my thoughts in the jumble of memories, regrets and highs. I can't decided what I love and what I hate. A disarray of tangled wires inside my mind. 

The emptiness temporarily alleviated by the sounds that pound from the headphones, no one knows that I can't bear the noise inside my head. 

Everything is boring. I am boring. I am useless. All my life I've been complaining of one thing or another, yes life is not fair so what?

I must pick myself again from this new low, like before no one can help me, I understand that no one has time for anything beyond their own desires. I don't blame anyone, no thats a lie, I blame everyone. Superficial, callous and selfish that's what humans are, yeah yeah not all but most anyway.

To the few beacons of light in my life, if it weren't for you I would have long perished, my grievances are not with you. 

I need to write this down, how disappointing and depressing it might be, no one reads this anyway.

So the world is going mad, oppression, tyranny like some fictional dystopia but only this is real, but you know what it all makes no difference to any one of us, we are all self absorbed, numb viewers, yes thats what it is now, something we just scroll through, nothing has substance, nothing remains in our minds for long, just the pursuit of dopamine hits.

I want this, I want that, its all about gratification, morality be damned. How did the world become this, why didn't values transfer through generations?

I know the answer is on the prayer mat. I know that, I try. I pour my heart to HIM, but I am weak I falter, I give in. I surrender to all the accumulated sorrows inside.

Where am I going with this, I keep running in circles.