Uncomfortably Numb

Today as the Jalsa UK 2013 is about to start , the mind is full of memories of moments spent. This time the focus of these memories is the Jalsa Salana that was held in Rabwah. My memories are conflicted between two emotions, one is filled with the beautiful mements of Jalsa Rabwah and the second is the fire of longing that burns in my heart which is reignited when I start to remember, its like a thirst which cannot be replenished & the reason for that is, like so many others I am of that generation which has not witnessed the Jalsa Rabwah in its full glory. There are a few vague memories, which are blurred by the limitations of childhood. Going through the streets of Rabwah when one passes in front of the different Langar Khanas in every Mohallah of Rabwah one cannot help but wonder at the hustle and bustle these places would have seen and what our elders tell us about. 1983. The last ever Jalsa held in Rabwah, the last time a populous of more than 250,000 made Rabwah

I put on those clothes that I bought the day I came back cause I wanted them to see me as you would. Quickly I get ready for I want to see you so badly.  Spray that perfume you would have liked...  My daily ritual of sorts... I know it is getting late... soon the sun would be no more and I standing alone in the darkness. So much to tell you... So much to say and hear... They say it's weird that I smile sometimes. They judge me from afar.  Perhaps they can only see what's written...  Perhaps reading  between the lines is a lost art. They can't see my eyes when someone says your name...  How can they.... As the time for us to meet goes near my heart shudders recalling the past...  Words said... Not said.... And fears...  Questions... They still remain unanswered. Will remain for eternity... As I walk towards you I know you can't see me.  I don't wish anymore cause I know there is nothing left when they come true...  You were my wish that came true. I reach t

Today I will wear a smile I will pretend your there in the morning To wake me up To get my clothes ready I will pretend you're there to greet me I will taste the sweets you've made I will hear your laughter I will praise you on the way you look I will meet people as you would I wish pretending was easy I wish I could do what I said I would

Days have gone since I Saw your face smiling at me That last goodbye wish it lingered Your sweet voice calling for me I look at your side of the bed Teary eyes have nothing to see You were crazy sometimes Sometimes sweet just for me Every second I fight back misery For the one thats looking at me I can't fathom living without you But that's the way I have to be You were God's precious gift Which no one else can ever be I close my eyes and I see you In my heart you'll forever be

O Allah the almighty Hear my cries See the tears I weep Save me There's none else that I seek For I am torn Shattered The ache hidden I keep Great is your name Sublime is your magnificence True is your word All the promises you keep Vast is your kingdom Over countless dimensions Infinite is your knowledge Boundless is your mercy Pray forgive me my lord For my sins I am but a speck of dust At the mercy of your wish

How can I remember you How can I capture in words What you were to me, are to me How can I say to you How looking at you made my day How can I write in words How my world shattered when you left How can I even begin to imagine a life without you How can I, not see you everyday and Not feel my soul evaporate How can I see someone in love and not lament what I've lost How can I walk these roads where we used to walk How can I bare these walls which still echo your voice How can I laugh when your not here to share it How can I breath When your not here to hear it How can I tell the story Where is my happy ending

Your voice woke me up Only to find an empty space You were beautiful elegance For me Personified grace Every moment your reflections I see your kind and gentle face All that's left are memories  An ache for the heart to embrace You shone and made my life bright With light which nothing can replace