A Study of myself

Is it possible for me to stop wining about every little thing that happens...
I mean I see people so happy and enjoying their lives... surely there lying right?

I so so want to be like those people but I can't ... because I cant shut my reality out just like that ... This is hypocrisy of the soul of which we are guilty of everyone of us for example we shut our eyes and ears of the pain our neighbors are in ... some would increase the volume of their tv not to hear the sound of the domestic violence happening across the walls....

I can never enjoy anything anymore... there is always something nagging at the back of my head.
Oh I so miss the old days...

Am I cold and insensitive? Is longing for true understanding a sin? Is such a thing even possible?

We so want others to like us praise us... but do I like the person I see in the mirror? Sadly the answer is NO.

What is, that makes some people standout. The greatest weakness I've ever had is the shyness or the fear I've had of people all my life. I was never at the front of the lines, even when I had the chance.

Even now its the same. Why? Why? Why? I know I can do it, maybe even better! Is this a superiority complex... how can it be that when I always see others doing better than me. An Inferiority complex then ...
Oh I don't know and the nagging doesn't help the self esteem either. I know I need to boost my self esteem and get a grip on life. I know everything that I need to do. But why can't I just do it?

Is this laziness... If I'm lazy then how can I do some things faster and better than others... I need that drive to do something to accomplish something... but I can't find it and the nagging doesn't help either... I know I need to focus and get a grip on life...

but I just can't... beside somethings everything I put my hand into turn to dust... why?
Why am I the way I am?

Do I blame others or blame my self?

Yeah go ahead blame your parents, your brothers, family but can I?

Deep down I know whose to blame but why is the question, why I didn't turn out "normal" like the others. They say I don't think about the "real" things ...

How can you know ... Have you read my mind?
Oh thats what I think about all the time ...

well I guess I think too much then cause there is never any action.


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