Some harsh realities

We often cherish some moments, events that happened in our lives, but we rarely take a step back and take a deeper look at the intentions and motivation behind our actions, we never put ourselves through the scrutiny, we put others in. We never take a moment to reflect on our own actions to see if they were right or wrong. 

There is always a line that must not be crossed, either it being a line of moral values or edicts by religious dogma, whatever it is, society respects those boundaries for a reason, that these boundaries enable individuals to maintain civility & morality. 

For those of us who adhere to religious values, its paramount that we scrutinise our selves, that our actions are in tune with the teachings of Quran & Sunna, that our motivations are guided by the need to please our creator and not by the whims and wishes of the self. Decisions that are solely to appease the self & its petty desires often result in mistakes & misbehaviour, becoming regrets, that haunt us forever. A soul that has become dark is beyond the realm of self contemplation, it becomes personified sin.

It pays, to stop & look back, but for it to have any beneficial value we must be honest enough to admit our mistakes, at least to our selves, for admitting our mistakes enables us to learn from them, to grow from them and to have the foresight not to repeat those mistakes again.

Forgiveness is crucial for personal growth, but we often are very generous when it comes to our own actions, same generosity is not extended to others with the same mistakes. Forgiving one's self & others makes moving forward easier.

Why do we find people that are not happy within their relationships? Why do people keep searching for peace & happiness but don't try to find it in their own homes?

The answers is quiet simple really, it has to do with the self and it desires. What can be expected when we allow our desires to dictate our actions instead of following the social and moral guidelines provided by Allah.

Some of us, in an effort to rationalise our own actions, which we know & understand to be wrong, try to mix fate in the equation by saying "this was supposed to happen, we were placed in this situation for it to happen, hence no wrong doing." What we fail to realise, is that perhaps we were put in that very situation to be tested. A problem cannot be solved unless it's acknowledged to be a problem. Most of us don't give it a second thought. 

These people conveniently forget that along with destiny or fate there is another thing that was given to us and that was free will. We cannot be absolved of our actions by putting everything on the excuse of fate. If everything is pre-written, pre-ordained then whats the need for the day of judgment? A mistake becomes a sin when it's repeated after a complete realisation of its extent.

The foundation of any lasting relationship is trust, more importantly for those relations which are supposed to be for life, such as marital relations. A marriage guarantees mutual exclusivity & can only function if both, trust & respect each other. Trust is a commodity which is so easy to loose but almost impossible to regain.

A friend once said to me while talking about marriage and the promiscuous behaviour so rampant in our society at these times that the measure of marital faithfulness is that there must be nothing that you need to hide from your spouse.

If one values one's relations and wants to save them, then he would always consider the other's feelings and priorities along with his own, while making any decisions. Keeping the needs & wishes of others in mind makes one more compassionate and more understanding of their motivations.

Keeping your expectations of others as low as possible is a sure way to happiness, more homes are wrecked for this very reason that when the marriage began there were so many expectations but when they were not meet, resentment built up to the point of severance.

Another aspect of human interaction is that people tend not to express what their feeling verbally and expect the other to understand just by the subtlety of their behaviour, although couples who stay together for a long time do learn each others body language, still its better to communicate verbally what your feeling, this can save a lot of misunderstandings and avoidable emotional pain.

Every person thinks differently, which is a culmination of life long experiences, upbringing, exposure to environment & countless other factors, all these things create the person's philosophy about life which governs his actions and decisions. 

Expecting others to follow our philosophy of life exactly is a mistake most of us make, when we encounter differences in opinions, in motivations, in priorities, instead of trying to understand, we try to change others in our image. This creates resentment and emotional pressure which puts cracks in the strongest of relationships. Instead of looking for differences, its better to look at similarities, trying to find common things that are enjoyable to both leads to quality time spent together, resulting in a healthy and long lasting relationship. 

Nothing is more painful for a person than being in an unfulfilling relationship, where feelings & emotions are not respected, where a person is made to feel worthless & discarded. The society is to be blamed for it as much as anyone else which has cultivated greed, personal ambition and materialism to an extent that core human values like sacrifice, tolerance and respect have been lost.

A person going through such tragedy clings to any straw he can find to preserve his sanity, but in our society, talking about emotional abuse is frowned upon, specially for girls who are told to bare it all and no emotional outlet is provided, this is where, some make a crucial mistake, which is trying to find solace by means which break the social, moral and religious norms, a promiscuous hidden relationship.

This century has seen unprecedented technological achievements in the field of communications, while it has brought countless advantages, it has created some problems as well. The ability to have hidden communication opens the doors for many a clandestine relationships, misleading people into believing that they can do anything and they are not answerable. When a person starts thinking that he is alone and no one is watching, thats the place where he unequivocally denies the existence of God, the biggest sin.

A hidden relationship via a computer screen or a mobile phone often starts with seemingly harmless interaction, lures & sucks in the individual by the promise of anonymity, of being understood or fulfilling of deep down desires and although these relations present an illusion of gratification but in reality these hidden relations act like emotional prosthetics, they create a perception of happiness but have the adverse effect on the person's real relationships, the emptiness, indifference and disfranchisement which started it all remains and is intensified, deep down the guilt of a person's actions and the desire for the same emotional contact in the person's real relationships keep gnawing at his emotional well being. The time which should have been spent trying to fix the cracks in one's relationship is wasted nurturing a fantasy and walking on the path of sin.

For some the allure of the fantasy is so much that they end up breaking their homes, in-time they realise that decisions that are based on selfish choices, cannot bring peace of mind.

Marriage is not just for the satisfaction of a person's needs, it is a social contract which is designed to save the whole society from decadence. It is a promise which makes one another the guardians of each other's respect & well being. It safeguards mutual exclusivity, undivided love & attention and it all rides on trust. The trust of a spouse that the other will not be promiscuous, that the other will not deceive.

Look around you, you will see people not happy and families on the verge of breaking up. Its all due to not giving respect & rightful place to the people in their lives that they deserve, for taking things for granted, for indulging in one's selfish desires and for placing one's self above everyone else's needs. These families eventually break but the legacy continues in their children who follow the footsteps of their parents. Above all we should contemplate what our actions are teaching our children.