Uncomfortably Numb

Things are not what they seem, I learnt that very young. Some say I'm cold and that I don't have feelings. Well this is my answer to all of you. I'm different, I knew that too from an early age, for most of my life I tried to fight it and tried to be like all of you… but now I realize I cant. I am what I am and I'm happy being me! If you don't like what you see blame your perspective I wont try to change myself anymore. It was not easy always hiding behind a veil of stupidity just to fit in. I don't care anymore if none of you cant understand what I'm saying … its your loss cause there are a lot of people in the world that do understand. (I hope!) I always wanted approval from others until I realized that the only approval that I needed was my own. I don't pretend to be the all knowing brat that you think I am, but I do know a lot of things .. All I ever wanted was to share my experience and knowledge… I finally don't blame anyone for the place

Drifted away like the snow flake I choose to be silent screaming tears of lament Say what you said before the most beautiful lie what a sublime present wistful longing heartsick musing the aching baneful sting perpetual untold torment

I did it all. I've seen it all unfold. I know the questions and even know the answers.I grasp the reality of it. I try to hold  on to it. I try to fail. I know the limits. I close my eyes. I try to dream but the nightmare wont let me sleep. what kind of dream is this. Somebody wake me up…Save me! I know what I've lost and I know what I've gained. I keep hoping that it would end this time. How did I end up here looking at the abyss of sorrows. All I want right now is to slowly drift into non existence.  I've had enough. This has to stop.

In between one and the other there resided an "us" once. It was beautiful as day light and bright as sunshine. It was bliss on earth . The "us" took for granted that word "LOVE" and fell into the trap that love really is… Love what a futile exercise if there ever was one. It consumed them and then the one realized that there was no "us" anymore ... just One and the other. Its like One never knew the other, two strangers confined to a perpetual darkness. Who knows who forgot first the one or the other. The sunshine turned to darkness and the suffering began. The one suffered in silence. Betrayed ,abused and rejected by the other…  Still the one couldn't hate the other… How could one forget. Why do we forget and get tangled in an unending cycle of agony. How can it be. How can the other be so cruel. How can the other destroy the very thing he wanted to build. One blames the other ... the other blames the one... keeps going on and

These days working on a new project. Its a new version of the Yasurnal Quran for MTA. Here is a screen shot of the project in Adobe Premiere CS3. It takes about 3 days to finish one lesson. What makes the Yasurnal Quran unique from others is the font that was developed by Peer Manzoor Mohammad Sahib in 1904. It was converted to digital font by some guyz at the Jamia Ahmadiyya making this video version possible. The whole Project is done using the multi-cam technology in Adobe Premier which means that during recording no switcher is used and all cameras have tapes in them giving more flexibility during editing. There are a lot of separate parts which combine to make the complete picture for instance the 3D portion which is done in a program called Pro Animator. Take a look at the project pic (above)to see how much work is involved. Every letter or words has its own 3D element which has to be made separately. Then there is the background & other element layers. As far a

اب کے گرا تواٹھا نا پائوگے چلا جائوں گا تب بلا نہ پائو گے آنسوہونگے پر کچھ کام نہ دیں گے  آہیں بھر کربھی رات بتا نہ پائو گے آنسوہونگے پر کچھ کام نہ دیں گے  آہیں بھر کربھی رات بتا نہ پائو گے

That's all I'm left with. I feel so old nothing excites me anymore. I might as well be dead. Maybe I am. Maybe all of this is a dream and one day we’ll all wake up. I don't want anybody’s pity I don't want sweet or kind words… I just want a release… there is so much anger inside that I fear that one day I’ll just collapse but … Ah! I never do just for once it would be fun if I did…. I know now that the world is cruel and nobody really cares for you. I know it and have accepted it no more fighting the odds… its no use…. better to just go with the flow and wait for the day I’ll be free…… Free from this existence! what comes next no one knows…