Migration

When you dream about migrating yo never realize how much toll it will take on you emotionally, at that time you are just worried about the logistics and once that’s done you are then ferociously hit with the enormity of your decision. I was definitely not prepared for it. My life, my work, my position, all the things I thought defined me are gone. The things that anchored me like my house, my neighboured, my city, all that is gone as well. I feel like a discarded thing, of no value. The worst thing about it is that it’s of my own volition. I am not here to complain cause I knew it would be staring from scratch, but knowing something and experiencing something are completely different things, Ive come to understand. 

It’s like becoming a part of a well oiled machine, where you are seen as redundant maybe useless as well. I am writing this to document not spread blame or shade on anyone, just trying to understand or just withstand the shear ache of it. I know, I hope, that there will be some respite for one thing I know for sure is that Allah does listen to prayers. I am here just acknowledging the facts. No call to action here. No words of there there… just a silent surrender to my ache.

I am here, sitting in a place I yearned to be at. But here I am the lowest level and there I was at the top the contrast is sharp and it stings. I know it’s naive to think that it would be any different, I thought I had higher value than I actually have I guess. To know you can contribute more but aren’t seen this way is a huge blow to one’s ego. 

I know I must have patience, I’ve tried to have patience all my life. I’ve climbed mountains way higher than this one. I am grateful as well, many don’t get to rebuild like I am now and would see my rant as being ungrateful but that’s not the point, I am just acknowledging how deeply sad it has made me. I know Inshallah this will pass and I will look at this time with laughter like I have crossed all those bridges before, it’s just being at this moment in time. In one theory they say that all the hardships one finds in life are necessary to shape the soul to its final form. I keep wondering how bad of shape my original form was.