Uncomfortably Numb

That's all I'm left with. I feel so old nothing excites me anymore. I might as well be dead. Maybe I am. Maybe all of this is a dream and one day we’ll all wake up. I don't want anybody’s pity I don't want sweet or kind words… I just want a release… there is so much anger inside that I fear that one day I’ll just collapse but … Ah! I never do just for once it would be fun if I did…. I know now that the world is cruel and nobody really cares for you. I know it and have accepted it no more fighting the odds… its no use…. better to just go with the flow and wait for the day I’ll be free…… Free from this existence! what comes next no one knows…

سپنے ٹوٹیں تو کیسا لگتا ہے؟ ادھورے خواب راہ میں رہ جاتے ہیں زندگی آگے بڑھ جاتی ہے  سپنا شیشہ ہی تو ہے   کاٹتا ہے  میں چیختا ہوں  کوئی نہ سن سکے گا سب مگن ہیں  سپنے دیکھنے سے کسے فرصت سپنا پگھلتا ہے  میں جلتا ہوں  اپنی ہی راکھ کی مرہم رکھتا ہوں  چلتا رہتاہوں   اب سپنے نہیں دیکھتا اعتبارنہیں رہا کٹ کٹ کر جل جل کر  تھک سا گیا ہوں ۔

Sometimes we want to be happy don't we. I heard somewhere if you do things that are happy you will start to feel happy so here is my happy post … ….. nope doesn't work. its all bullshit no one is really happy in this world and never can be. Sometimes due to our own doings and sometimes due to the pathetic things people do to you. No matter what you do you cant be happy ever. Were all screwed from the moment were born … and come to think of it we enter this world not happy but crying … a preview of things to come!  You see I'm sick of this world. I really am I really don't like it. What's the point really. I really don't want to go into the religious part of it cause well I have no answer I'm still searching and I don't want to offend the Big boss if you know what I mean. They say man couldn't survive in a perfect world we need our miseries and the things we do to other people to hurt them and the words we say. Can the words I'm sorry can ta

As I sit here alone in the dark. My thoughts scattered over the years gone by and I start to remember the faces I will never see again in this life. So many people so many memories. My dad who I never remember hurting anyone always doing good for others. My most cherished memory of him is when he used to take me to the small mountain or hilltop near our house I used to piggy back and he would climb and there on the top we would listen to the radio. My mother who used to help so many and never would mention it. I used to talk for hour with her about things that made no sense to her(technology). She would always listen and even participate with a question or two. I miss her warmth and the arm which was my pillow for so many years. There are other faces as well like nani aman mamoo younas mamoo yaqoob mamoo rashid mamoo ramzan uncle mazhar anti bedi even chacha masood chacha nasir and dadi aman. Badar choochoo and baji moona with whom I never meet.

I sit there letting the distance grow Thinking what the frak do you know You believe in their stupid lies You judge me on the scale u know You see what's only in front of you Girl you shall reap what you sow No point in talking or letting go Nothing to hold nothing to show Love is just another four letter word Losing its meaning in the times flow This is another of those I told you so but I don't give a frak u should know

Most of my childhood memories come down to television. I guess growing up in the 80s, we were the first tv generation of Pakistan. My earliest recollections are of Man From Atlantis, then there is Powers of Matthew Star and Voyagers. Then there are a few shows that I just barely remember like Trapper John, M.D. or there was a show with some aliens and they had strange things that the put to a person's neck to subdue him. We had only one tv channel at that time and that was PTV and it was awesome. We watched all the great tv shows of that time Murder she wrote,    Airwolf,  Knight Rider,  The fall guy,  Macgyver,  Law and order,    Star Trek,    War of the worlds,  Chocky, The Tripods,    Sapphire and steel,  Mind your language,  Yes minister,    Chips  then there were loads of children's programs Sesame street,  Thundersub,  Voltran,  Danger mouse. The Twilight Zone used to give me nightmares. Great Family Comedy shows like  Perfect Strangers

Yeah going to Lahore for a wedding with family,.. really gives me the creeps. No not the wedding the situation of Pakistan I fear for my kids for my family being hurt. I try all kinds of things to calm my self but I am a worrying person I worry about any and everything. I cant be with children I worry too much they might fall might be hurt this way or that. Will update via twitter. Yeah its been long since I've posted anything here its partly due to the reason that I was working two jobs and was too busy and tired to do anything, now I've quit that job and have lots and lots of free time. And yes I will write about that episode of my life in detail too... Since Im not an employee anymore I would like to mention a few assholes I meet along the way... I got a job offer the other day but for that I would have to go to lahore and leave MTA and I've made my mind that if I am to live in Pakistan Rabwah is the safest place to be (Alhamdolilah) Doing a project for MTA these d