Uncomfortably Numb

It was a beautiful morning today and the rain made it perfect. But the plight of so many stuck in the floods is nagging at my back. All I want to say about it that if people of Pakistan still don't understand their mistake then it would be too late. The signs are in plain sight for all to see. This is not just random disaster. Just put on the TV and watch the news 10 dead there 20 dead there 4 dead while saving one child. The news comes again and again as a non stop barrage. Wake up Pakistan and see what you have done wrong!

Is it possible for me to stop wining about every little thing that happens... I mean I see people so happy and enjoying their lives... surely there lying right? I so so want to be like those people but I can't ... because I cant shut my reality out just like that ... This is hypocrisy of the soul of which we are guilty of everyone of us for example we shut our eyes and ears of the pain our neighbors are in ... some would increase the volume of their tv not to hear the sound of the domestic violence happening across the walls.... I can never enjoy anything anymore... there is always something nagging at the back of my head. Oh I so miss the old days... Am I cold and insensitive? Is longing for true understanding a sin? Is such a thing even possible? We so want others to like us praise us... but do I like the person I see in the mirror? Sadly the answer is NO. What is, that makes some people standout. The greatest weakness I've ever had is the shyness or the fear I

I have a theory that everything changes in a person's life in every two years at most. Ive seen it in my life many times. What I believed was that circumstances change but I didn't think that people change as well ... well I didn't know better... There is no such thing as a constant in our lives. I've seen people change, the ones I thought never could. Its painful to me to look back and see the ones I loved and shared my life with being so selfish. Whose to blame here? me or them ... have I changed as well? I guess I have... for better or worse I don't know One might say I'm the reason of my problem.

Things are not what they seem, I learnt that very young. Some say I'm cold and that I don't have feelings. Well this is my answer to all of you. I'm different, I knew that too from an early age, for most of my life I tried to fight it and tried to be like all of you… but now I realize I cant. I am what I am and I'm happy being me! If you don't like what you see blame your perspective I wont try to change myself anymore. It was not easy always hiding behind a veil of stupidity just to fit in. I don't care anymore if none of you cant understand what I'm saying … its your loss cause there are a lot of people in the world that do understand. (I hope!) I always wanted approval from others until I realized that the only approval that I needed was my own. I don't pretend to be the all knowing brat that you think I am, but I do know a lot of things .. All I ever wanted was to share my experience and knowledge… I finally don't blame anyone for the place

I did it all. I've seen it all unfold. I know the questions and even know the answers.I grasp the reality of it. I try to hold  on to it. I try to fail. I know the limits. I close my eyes. I try to dream but the nightmare wont let me sleep. what kind of dream is this. Somebody wake me up…Save me! I know what I've lost and I know what I've gained. I keep hoping that it would end this time. How did I end up here looking at the abyss of sorrows. All I want right now is to slowly drift into non existence.  I've had enough. This has to stop.

Yeah going to Lahore for a wedding with family,.. really gives me the creeps. No not the wedding the situation of Pakistan I fear for my kids for my family being hurt. I try all kinds of things to calm my self but I am a worrying person I worry about any and everything. I cant be with children I worry too much they might fall might be hurt this way or that. Will update via twitter. Yeah its been long since I've posted anything here its partly due to the reason that I was working two jobs and was too busy and tired to do anything, now I've quit that job and have lots and lots of free time. And yes I will write about that episode of my life in detail too... Since Im not an employee anymore I would like to mention a few assholes I meet along the way... I got a job offer the other day but for that I would have to go to lahore and leave MTA and I've made my mind that if I am to live in Pakistan Rabwah is the safest place to be (Alhamdolilah) Doing a project for MTA these d

Been busy looking after my various blogs these days. Also was setting up twitter so that the blogs go on twitter as well .. but I don't know whats wrong with blogger at the moment. its not showing my posts. Update: Its confirmed Blogger is not updating my blog... Come on Blogspot whats wrong with you. Anyway I like Twitter I think its good for blogging. Facebook is also ok but feels like too time wasting for me. I'm going to start my 4th Blog soon its all for those Indian Movie and Music Fans they can find Rapidshare links now !!!

This is from someone very dear to me... I sit in the park where i dwell for this boy I love so well He took my Heart away from me and now he wants to set me free I see a girl on his lap , he said things to her he never said to me I run home to Cry on my bed, not a word to mother was said father came home late that night, he looked at me from left to right he saw me hanging from a rope and on my dress he found a note Dig my grave, dig it deep, dig my grave from head to feet and on the top a little dove, remember this I died for Love.

2 more projects I will upload soon...

ts obvious that I write when I'm sad. So here it is... I am very sad today. So many reasons to be happy but ... Its been one of those days. I just wanna say.... FRAK YA !

For so long I wanted a custom header image for my blog and today I figured out how to do it also wanted to add images into my posts and learned that as well and then found out that you can now add different gadgets as well ... seems like I've been away too long

I was busy.. I am busy but that wont keep me from writing ... I'm back....

For all the kings horses and all the kings men couldn't put humpty back together again. Life is like that. Somethings cannot be undone. Some wounds never heal and some debts can never be repaid. What I wish for is a life where I could just empty my head from all thoughts and just float in space like a dead rock traveling through space. We desire so much from life. work very little to achieve anything and then blame this and that for it. what is love what is hate. Why we are stuck with these emotions. Why do we need one or the other so much. There is no escape ... I envy the little mud worm so content in its existence. There are two kinds of people in this world .... The good guys and the bad guys. The good guys live in sweatness and honey. The bad guys end up getting all the money !!!!

Why do we keep making the mistakes again and again. Why do we keep living the same moments again and again. Its like we are addicted to our pain. Our emotional needs are recurring. Some people wonder why is it like this. What I found out is that this is mechanism by God to encourage us and to give us oppertunities to ask for His blessings...  

I like to use less words. Makes me feel in control and makes you think. Thats what I need ppl to do ... think. Thats what I do.   I need my younger generation to think where are we going. I need them to see how wishes are becoming needs.   I need them to find the truth with me.   Lets Hope.  

I guess... there was no death and this is the afterlife cause I am still breathing. That's life isn't it ? We say that a person is alive when he breaths...   But still how we live a life does matter... Does it ?   Lemme tell you a story. Its about a person who was alive. Why because that person was meant to be that way. That person always wanted to know why ? Sometimes he thought he knew the answer and sometimes he didn't.   He often wondered what is real truth.. isn't that something that a person can only know after death... then why wait. Why not end it all thus knowing all... but he was afraid ... afraid of the rules that he was sure were real.   So he decided to take another path... the path that he was always told would lead him to his goal.   so he is walking... on a road on which the end is promised to be his ultimate wish to be one with the truth...   will he ever reach there when on every turn there are signs to mislead him ...   he zi

I just want to know when will the cycle end ... is there any hope left ...I am stuck and cant get out it seems like there is no end to what i am going through. It was not like this in the begining ...   The begining was beautiful it was the dew on the soft morning flowers. It was like no other feeling that ever was. I wonder how things are lost so easily. How anything can change and one cant do a thing to stop it.   I know that time heals wounds ... but I dont want the wounds healed ...   I am not sure what I want anymore... nothing is that important anymore... its just a mare existance ... since I exist so I must go on... So I am told again and again ... where ever I go. Why ?   I wonder... how would it be if it were not a sin to .... end it all.   I wish there was someone ...   Sometimes I wonder what would I change in my life so that it would become meaningful and find no answer... it seems nothing is of any meaning to me anymore ...   DEATH

What is a man's worth...   Its how much money he makes. How expensive his watch is...   What about knowledge...Dignity...Rightousness...Truth... What about experiance... What about devotion... What about pation... What about sacrifice...   nope... your nothing if your purse is not filled with whatever is your favorite bank note.   We live in a world where there is one measure of a man's worth. The whole world spins around it. Like dogs after a bone... we run ... trying to catch it... Pushing each other behind.. tripping one another to death if necessary. We Dont care ... we need money. We need it to feed our hunger for more and more things.   Things ... that make our lives meaningfull ... like a watch ... a Mobile fone and Dish washer....   Relations that we stepped over don't matter hearts that are broken by our words dont count.   We need just one thing...   Money.                    

I had a simple childhood. There were parents. Family. Friends. Life was simple. Then I grew up and saw people vanish from my life ... One by one all gone. Not that I’m alone now but what I am talking about is that one by one everything I knew that made my life…was my life.... changed. Parents died family & close friends scattered all over the globe. What is permanence then ... just an idea....? Everything that we have … we feel a false sense of permanence for it... we hurt our loved ones as though they may be there when we will apologize. We do selfish acts to satisfy our selves and neglect the needs of others. Life can teach a lot of things to a person but it comes at a cost. The cost of lost time, The cost of lost loved ones that we don’t even realize that we love till they are no more. Some of us try to hold on to the past to the memories that we have, but it becomes harder and harder to live with them since the further we go in time the memory becomes more dreamlike and sweet.

My recent experience has taught me the lesson again that this is a strange dogmatic world we live in, where you can trust no one and appearances are always deceptive. People are conditioned to do certain things even if they are wrong and lies don’t matter so far as they serve you best. You have no where to go except join in. Do the things that you your self despise... Lie, Cheat, do whatever suits you to achieve your goal. Nobody stops to think the real purpose. The purpose of life. Was is so petty?.. I think NOT. Who has time for thinking these days ... so consumed in one’s self governed wish list. Everything has to be sugar coated or forced on us by the media. We have no choice now. No saying what governs the world. Its just some need here and some need there and then some need that not even existed a few moments ago but was created to satisfy someone else’s need for you to need something that he wants you to need. So sick and tired of living in a world where people have forgotten ho