Uncomfortably Numb

useless empty life worthless words echo in my mind over and over again we run this circle over and over we fall could it be that this time you'll pick me up could it be that this time you'll take my hand as I see you pass me by heart aches with the distance you never look back not even once heart aches with every footstep taking us further apart memories left behind of a beautiful start

For what its worth all a persecuted man can do is try to reason, try to explain that what you're doing in the name of God has nothing to do with the teachings of Islam, try to appeal to the one thing that binds us all, humanity, to stop the barbarity, stop the hatred before it consumes everything... that the path Pakistan is being forced to take will lead to its destruction. No matter how many times I try, they still murder my brothers. I force my self to be calm cause I don't believe that my resorting to violence is the solution but that does not mean that I don't feel anger ... I do... I feel rage and that rage turns to tears when I pray... I pray that may Allah crush to a paste those who murder in the name of God and those who help them. I have a firm belief that Allah listens to the prayers of those who are in pain and who are the persecuted. One might think that this prayer is just a cry of someone who is weak and worthless but beware if you close your eyes

So I was surfing the net & this link pops up on twitter. As a rule I have decided not to watch Pakistani television for mental health hazard reasons but heck this was from the net and must be something funny but it turned out to be shocking. A mob of Vigil-Aunties lead by Maya Khan attacking kids allegedly on dates in the parks... well to tell the truth it was kinda funny for about 3 seconds and then it turned to horror and outrage. Who is she to be the moral police was my first reaction. Its sad really to see the lows people can go to just for cheap fame. The reaction from the internet was overwhelmingly negative as well. I think all the rage and the disgust stems from the fact that this one incident illustrates how close to the brink we really are. The fact that Pakistani society has extremism now embedded in its very core. You dont need to be mullah or bearded religious fanatic to be an extremist, years of programming of the pro-radical islamic doctrine to the

Some days ago while on G+ I came across the fake Steve Jobs illness pictures and I was appalled. My mother had done a long battle with cancer and I was with her the whole time. I know what toll it takes emotionally and physically and to display that to the whole world was unethical and just plain wrong. We live in a world where nothing is sacred anymore, nothing. We're all sadists. We get pleasure from others pain. How pitiful the human race has become. We do anything to make money. we sell anything. here is a link to show that it was fake... I posted the link here... but then thought its just not right to endorse that even further you can google it for your self.

Some people just can't help it. It in their nature to be mother frakers. After a days work whats better than a dose of plain and simple zalalat but this time you've really crossed the line. Yeah I say it every time cause the pain you can cause is directly proportional to how fraking stupid and illogical you can be.

I was told by someone the other day that my worth is what I value in dollars. I was told that whatever I have worked for and whatever I have achieved is worthless. I was told that it's my failure that people don't shower me with their affection by giving me suitcases filled with money. I was told that love loyalty and the relations of blood are nothing if they don't have euros in the offering. That someone has hurt me really deeply ... Again. I don't know how long I can stand this anymore. I don't even want to reply to these pathetic and loathsome thoughts which go against every thing taught by my mentors and the values which I believe to be present in every drop of my blood.

My mind is in fulto khapping mode at the moment. Reason unknown. Maybe I'm bored or maybe as the great mujambo says sari rati khajal Hoya fer v kuj nahin labba. Whatever the reason I hate khapping mode and it seems whenever one is in khapping mode the rest of the world is hell bent on increasing it's potency. I think this can be used as a blogging tool. At least it can save drafts. The other day I wrote a poem on another program and it didn't save it and all data was lost and I had to write it again. Just came back from hospital Rohail's got some kind of allergic rash on his legs dr says it's due to wedding meat. The wedding couple is in front of me acting all funny trying not to. Another fraking drama is on hum tv. I think all drama makers on paki tv should be castrated. The shit that passes as television is crap of the most smelly kind. And then the uncle goes ahead and turns on the news... Man this guy in one big news junkie ... And the news is even crappi

I sometimes marvel at the human ability to forget. I see relationships everywhere and almost all the time the ones who are in them say things like ... oh its perfect or I would never do anything to jeopardize this ... but they do ... people fall apart and here is why... The Belief that Love is almost supernatural thus incorruptible Love is just an emotion and what is emotion ? its a human behavior response to specific stimuli. When I talk to young people who are searching for mates the most common thing I notice is the absolute disregard for reality. Perhaps it's due to age and the lessons one learns through time or hormones.The thing that one must learn is that nothing is absolute in life and almost always things and people are not what they seem on the surface. The human kind is a fascinating species able to lie and cheat and break the trust of the ones who love you the most. We go thorough relation after relation repeating the mistakes and forgetting what happened the last

So here we are again ... Going full circle looking at the start again ... It's no use complaining I guess but still its not fair ... I really thought this was it this time and I would finally be free. I don't know how I can contain my frustration anymore ... I loath the state of mind that I'm confronted with all the time and now I can't escape it is painfully evident. Support ? thats a novel idea .... I really wish I could have it from "the one" but some might say isn't that support what's been already done but thats not enough I'm afraid ... Dont understand what I'm sayin ? Good Join the club....

I have a theory that everything changes in a person's life in every two years at most. Ive seen it in my life many times. What I believed was that circumstances change but I didn't think that people change as well ... well I didn't know better... There is no such thing as a constant in our lives. I've seen people change, the ones I thought never could. Its painful to me to look back and see the ones I loved and shared my life with being so selfish. Whose to blame here? me or them ... have I changed as well? I guess I have... for better or worse I don't know One might say I'm the reason of my problem.

This happened a few days ago but it showed me what people are capable of seemingly intelligent and normal people become assholes… the problem is that people think that no one can catch their lies… which is a lie which their brain tells them… so much happened that I cant put into words and don't want to anyway … _____________________________________________ Image deleted on popular demand!

I've been doing an experiment for last week or so and all I can tell you is that I blew it! muhahahaha!…. to be fair the test subject I choose for this was no average person… All I wanted was a decent fun dialogue… but I guess Im that boring… no wonder! and all this sports stuff drives me mad I mean first it was cricket t20 something and Now football I mean come on yaar I know its the world cup but what are you so fraked up about. Pakistan doesn't even have its own team … sigh! Also I want to point out the sheer hypocrisy… I mean more then 40 people died last night in the attack on datta and all you can think of is the fraking football… shame on you as a nation…  I just turned on Geo and there they were … the thumkas! as nothing happened… and an Indian movie on another channel … and then your naive enough to ask why this Azab on our country. I tell you why cause you don't care and wont care until it will come to your door step! Your a dead Nation… the real exp

That's all I'm left with. I feel so old nothing excites me anymore. I might as well be dead. Maybe I am. Maybe all of this is a dream and one day we’ll all wake up. I don't want anybody’s pity I don't want sweet or kind words… I just want a release… there is so much anger inside that I fear that one day I’ll just collapse but … Ah! I never do just for once it would be fun if I did…. I know now that the world is cruel and nobody really cares for you. I know it and have accepted it no more fighting the odds… its no use…. better to just go with the flow and wait for the day I’ll be free…… Free from this existence! what comes next no one knows…

Sometimes we want to be happy don't we. I heard somewhere if you do things that are happy you will start to feel happy so here is my happy post … ….. nope doesn't work. its all bullshit no one is really happy in this world and never can be. Sometimes due to our own doings and sometimes due to the pathetic things people do to you. No matter what you do you cant be happy ever. Were all screwed from the moment were born … and come to think of it we enter this world not happy but crying … a preview of things to come!  You see I'm sick of this world. I really am I really don't like it. What's the point really. I really don't want to go into the religious part of it cause well I have no answer I'm still searching and I don't want to offend the Big boss if you know what I mean. They say man couldn't survive in a perfect world we need our miseries and the things we do to other people to hurt them and the words we say. Can the words I'm sorry can ta

These days its become too mechanical. Get up get ready do your chores come home eat sleep. I guess this is what they want us to be ... slaves to time. The strange thing which happened for 2 days now is that the drastic electric outage is over now...(I hope) Its the coming of age thing, realizing that your not young anymore, some deny it some wear the new suite of responsibility with pride and some like him HIDE. Hiding in the past, the future in myths or in religion. He is envious of the rest of them ... all of them get to do things He never could or would or should. He with his twisted maybe accurate sense of right and wrong could never do all of that ... but why... He is not special maybe worse in some ways... why would a pathetic looser like him would go to all that trouble... He hates their laughter he finds it hollow, maybe in it whats inside him that he hears.

How can they sleep? Can't they see the faces of the children they have killed and are still killing. The face of the world uncovered to be so hideous and ugly. Blind hatred, greed and lust for power turning people into monsters and while we sleep and enjoy our favourite  TV show, glued by the distractions, they are busy murdering innocent children and we move our eyes away and cover our ears not to hear the screams. Everyone knows who they are and still we comply with what our masters want from us. To be quiet and enjoy the puppet show that is enacted before us. Who will speak up, who will save the children on both sides. We rejoice in our blissful ignorance and bask in the spoils of blood. I for one see my own children in the faces of the images and cant watch... The agony of the parent whose child was murdered ... the bleeding heart of a mother who sees her daughter's separated remains... the daughter who this morning was asking for a new doll. Where is humanity? w

These days been very busy. Yeah me ... busy ... that's a contradiction maybe cause most ppl think that I am the laziest person in the world. Anyway been busy as hell. The funny thing is that I don't actually do anything just supervise the repair work at my house.   So whets up with my life. Same old insecurities same old fears nothing changes... But this time I must do something... I can feel it... time has run out ... I need to do something and fast.   The thing that annoys me the most is that I cant be at a place. I cant enjoy something... If I do ... something happens to spoil it. It has happened so many times to me that I really just cant enjoy anything at all anymore.   I keep waiting for signs signals and maybe a helping hand... infect I have relied on others most of my life. I don't know why cant I summon up the confidence I need and I need it bad.   The worse thing is that people are so good at passing judgments on others but never present anythin

We talk too much. We say too much and we even speak up our minds when we say that we are unable to speak. Sometimes  we say things without even uttering a single word and sometimes a speech with articulate words seems hollow...   What elevates words from being mere words to thoughts that touch others... emotions?   Its was nice to see that sombody did read what I was writing. I know that no one will ever fully comprehend cause I am not telling the full story. But thats the way I like it it makes it a mystery and the most importantly its the mystery of my life.   I guess I've had enough of life in my self satisfactory misery bubble. I want out now. The real world awaits. I'm ready to take the world on. Aaaah ! here I go again ... WORDS...   Lets suppose THIS time its all true ... Am I ready for what can await at the other end ?   Been looking for a helping hand all my life... Never did anything alone. I was scared. Maybe am still now. I always used to say t

Stars at night seem to say to me you have lost your way. You have lost your dreams and you have lost your soul. You believe too much in destiny and not so much in yourself anymore. I look at ... its been long since I looked at ... talked to the star that was my friend in those cold lonely nights I even gave her a name. These days it feels like that I need her again.   She understood me, comforted me, she was there when I needed her. I confided in her and she listened never judged. Just listened. She took me in her arms and I would sleep.   How hard was that time for me ... now it seems that... it was nothing ...   I don't know when I became the pessimist I am.    I guess it happened when I abandoned her thinking I was complete now. But who is complete.            

Why do we keep making the mistakes again and again. Why do we keep living the same moments again and again. Its like we are addicted to our pain. Our emotional needs are recurring. Some people wonder why is it like this. What I found out is that this is mechanism by God to encourage us and to give us oppertunities to ask for His blessings...